Sexual Purity…

Purity

I. Opening Comments

Let’s Be Real

God wants you to be pure—to wait to have sex until you are married.
God wants you to be pure—to wait to do sexual activities until you are married
(and He wants you to only enjoy it with the person you’re married to).

There. I said it. That’s the main message. Time to go home!

But seriously, you all know that already, right? Raise your hands if you have heard that before, if someone has taught you that, if you’ve read it, or if you just know/sense it deep in your hearts.

Well, if you all know it, then why is it so difficult to wait?

1.     Deep down, many of us are not really sure if God is real, if He exists. We’ve all doubted at one point or another. So, until more convincing evidence comes along and our faith is as strong and secure as possible, then in the time being we’ll just do whatever feels good. We don’t want to miss out, right, on what our other friends are enjoying if there’s a chance that God isn’t real, right?

2.     Deep down, we don’t really believe that God knows best. We see friends or other people or celebrities who are so gosh darn happy because their sexually active outside of marriage, and even though we know God’s opinion from the Bible, we trust what we can see with our physical eyes. God must be mistaken—my eyes can’t possibly be wrong…look at how much everyone is enjoying living life apart from God’s will!

3.     Deep down, we don’t really think that God wants what is best for us. We think He’s being selfish or “holding out on us” and is trying to keep sex from us because He doesn’t want us to be happy. He’s just a cosmic kill-joy who just wants to keep us chained up with rules—He’s just a bigger more powerful version of our parents—oh the horror!

4.     And even if we believe God is real, even if we believe God does know best, and even if we believe that God wants what is best for us, sometimes we just don’t care. Sometimes we just want to do what we want to do, sometimes we just want to be in charge, no matter what God, our parents, or anyone else says. We don’t really want sex, we just want to be in charge, in control, like…well…like God. Sometimes we just want to be God.

Does this make sense? It’s not really about sex, ya’ll. Look at the reasons why it’s hard to wait. It has nothing to do with sex/freedom/expressing yourself and everything to do with:

-whether God is real
-whether God is smart
-whether God really loves us/wants what is best for us
-whether we’re going to try and be God and kick Him off His throne

Those are the questions you need to answer for yourselves, my friends. Those four questions above. How you answer those questions will pretty much determine whether or not you are going to wait to have sex until you are married to the person you are married to. Waiting or not waiting is a choice; it’s not something that “just happens” [like Austin Powers walking and then saying, “Oops, I fell ova” as he deliberately lays on a bed next to a pretty woman. He didn’t just “fall ova”!]

You get invitations everyday through the T.V., internet, movies, music, magazines, books, friends, etc., invitations to live and be a part of a certain kind of life, a certain way of living.

Jesus also has an invitation for you through Himself, the Holy Spirit, the Bible, and this church, an invitation to really live and be a part of a certain kind of life, a certain way of living.

The question you have to ask yourselves is, who can I trust? The God who created me and died for me? Or my buddy at school, my favorite actor or actress or musician? Who wants what is best for you? Who understands this life—and you—enough to give you wise advice?

One More Point

Purity is not just for teenagers.

Purity is not a way for God or adults or pastors to control you all and keep you out of the fun and excitement that everyone else older than you is having.

Think about some other things that adults get to do that you aren’t allowed to do:

-See R rated movies (tho you’ve probably seen one, if you haven’t you’re probably thinking you’ve been missing out!)
-Smoke cigarettes
-Drink alcohol
-Stay up late anytime you want
-Go out alone
-Do almost anything without asking permission
-Drive a car
-Vote

Does this sometimes tick you off?
Don’t you sometimes think it’s not fair that your parents, or other adults, or other teens, get to do these things and you’re just supposed to…wait?

[I mean come on, waiting stinks in general—we parents and adults show you that!

We complain when we wait in the doctor’s or dentist’s office, we get frustrated when we have to wait at a red light when we have to get somewhere important, we may even talk smack about or say swear words to the phone when we are put on hold for the hundredth time with customer service, we moan about the internet being so slow and having to wait for their webpage to load, we get angry waiting for your Mom or Dad to come home, or we get angry waiting on you to get ready for church in the morning, etc. etc. etc.

If all we parents and adults do is complain about waiting, then maybe you subconsciously think that waiting for sex in marriage is also stupid too.]

But here’s the point—even adults have to wait.

Even adults have to follow God’s rules for purity that we’re teaching to you. Purity is a life-long decision, not just for teenagers. In fact, in some ways it gets more difficult to stay pure as you get older. Here’s a secret, guys: the older women get, the more beautiful they become, inside and outside. It’s just how God designed them! Furthermore, it’s actually more difficult to be pure when you’re around Christians because not only are they beautiful on the outside, but they’re also becoming more beautiful and like Jesus on the inside! That’s an unbeatable combination!

What’s harder—saying no to a plate of cookies the first time or the hundredth time? WHO knows how often Adam and Eve walked by the tree before they ate the forbidden fruit, who knows how many times the devil called out to them advertising the “powerful and amazing experience” of eating the fruit! The intensity to be pure gets higher the older you get, because women get more beautiful on the outside as they get older and humans are supposed to become more godly/mature on the inside as they get older.

But you and your parents are in this together—you’re not fighting against each other!

Illustration: Studies show that parents who aren’t faithful to each other have are more likely to have children who are unfaithful to their spouses someday. Parents who are impure make it harder for their kids to stay pure. And I wonder if the flip is true as well—I wonder if teens who are sexually active before marriage make it more difficult for their parents to stay pure as well. Just a thought…

So tonight, as we talk more specifically about purity, please don’t just hear us leaders trying to keep you from fun or don’t think that God is really not as smart as He thinks He is. Please hear us out—really, hear God out—that He is inviting you to something better, more beautiful, and more amazing than just a quickly passing feeling…God is trying to protect you from serious and unnecessary pain, He is inviting you to allow Him to meet your needs before you can meet the needs of your spouse someday, and He is preparing you to have an amazing marriage with your spouse someday. As your generation likes to say, “Have an open mind!”

II.     Male Leaders Teach the Guys 

1.     God created sex—He is not ashamed or embarrassed by it.

2.     Women are human beings made in God’s image—they are not objects meant to give you pleasure. Seriously. They’re people, not toys.

a.     Why we think of women this way—magazines, movies, t.v., music, other guys, our own sinfulness. Pictures of women in mags and commercials that only show one part of a woman’s body (e.g. a leg, a face, etc.)—this makes women into objects and makes them seem less than a whole person.

3.     Sex is powerful—you bond yourself to another person through sexual activity.

a.     Illustration: Tape. Designed to stick two things together. But if you pick up the tape and try and stick it to something else, it loses some of its stickiness. Eventually, if you do it enough, it cannot stick to anything.

4. Sex is everything that leads up to sex—no loopholes, guys! A lot of guys think they can do everything with a girl except sexual intercourse and still stay pure—not the case, ya’ll.

a. Illustration: When you go to a fancier restaurant, you order an entrée (like steak or filet mignon) and you also often get an appetizer (soup) and salad. Now you might think that the dinner portion is the steak, but dinner starts the moment you start eating the soup. It’s all part of dinner (and all under the same price point); the same is true with sex.

5.     God made men to be leaders, protectors, and supporters, and providers. When guys have sex outside of marriage, they are acting the opposite: being followers, abusers, destroyers, and takers.

b.     Illustration: A Real Stud (2 x 4 plank of wood). A wood beam—otherwise known as a stud—has an important job: it supports the roof so that the family inside can be safe, dry, and warm from the harsh weather outside. It also stays put—it doesn’t support one day and then run off the next. If it did, the roof would collapse and seriously injure the family, leaving them cold, wet, miserable, and exposed to the elements. Studs are also strong—they support a lot of weight. Roofs are heavy, but studs are made to hold up the heaviness—they’re not flimsy. God made men to be studs (like a 2 x 4, not like a stallion)—supporting, strong, securing (protecting), and staying put. 

Practical Application Tips for Guys for Remaining Sexually Pure

A.     Grow closer to Jesus. The more you know Jesus (know Him, not just about Him), the more you love Him, and the more you love Him, the more you want to honor Him with your daily lives. So attend church regularly, read your Bible regularly (!), talk and listen to Jesus regularly, etc.

B.     You will have some guy friends put pressure on you to have sex/do sexual activities, especially if you’re dating a girl for a while. Just know that this will happen. How will you respond to that pressure? What if your guy friend (s) are sexually active with girls? Who you hang out with matters, ya’ll. Pick your friends wisely.

C.     Don’t only give attention to the “hot” girls at school—if you do this, think about why you’re doing so, what you want to get deep down out of the attention you give those girls. There are some great girlfriends and “girlfriends” out there, and you’re depriving yourself of wonderful people if you only focus on a certain group.

D.     Surround yourself with friends who have also made the decision to remain sexually pure, and invite in some friends who have not made this decision. Don’t disown and judge your sexually active friends, but if you find yourself consistently hanging out with a group of guys who are all sexually active except for you, it is only a matter of time until you cave in. Don’t be a lone ranger!

E.     Stay away from “skin-flicks”—movies that are hyper sexual in content—and be careful on the internet. All this does is add fuel to the fire of your hormones. I’m allowed to watch rated R movies legally, and yet I almost never do because of the high sexual content in these movies. Remember, our actions are strongly influenced by what we put into our minds. Guard your mind and your body will usually be safe. Fill your minds with healthy and encouraging movies, music, etc. They don’t have to be Christian, per se, but they should move you closer to God, not farther away from Him. And addiction to pornography is one of the elements men of all ages struggle with the most regarding purity—stay away from it!

F.     Hold your friends accountable for being sexually pure. Ask them—and allow them to ask you—on a regular basis how they’re doing with staying pure.

G.     Don’t be alone in private with a person of the opposite sex. This is the sexual equivalent of playing “Russian Roulette”—please don’t tempt yourself or test God like this!

H.     If you’re going to date, date someone who is also a Christian and who has also made the decision to stay pure. This is helpful to be on the same page, to have the same goal as your girlfriend. If she doesn’t care about staying pure and you date her, don’t you think she will eventually put pressure on you to have sex?

-Furthermore, consider for yourself the idea of waiting until mid-college at least before dating, using the time before to get to know lots of people and observe their character and emotional makeup.  When it comes time to consider a serious relationship, find someone who has an active relationship with Christ, is consistently involved at a local church in attendance (worship) and serving, is emotionally stable and of good character. Remember, you date to find a marriage partner, not just for fun or to help you not feel lonely or because all your other friends are dating. If you are adamant about dating in 8th grade or high school, maybe write down why it’s so important to you and what will happen if you hoose not to date. Then pray and ask God to give you guidance. Dating for the wrong reasons can lead to unhealthy activities; dating for the right reasons can lead to a healthy and vibrant and fantastic marriage for life.

I.     Guys. Just because you have been dating a girl for a while, that doesn’t mean that you have “earned” sex. Seriously. Don’t even THINK about pressuring a girl to have sex before marriage. I know, I get it. It will make you feel like a big man, especially around your guy friends. But it dishonors God, your girlfriend, and yourself…

J.    And please know that if you do decide to date a girl, your friends will almost certainly start asking you about sex/pressuring you to have sex with her the longer you date. It will happen, and it will make it tough for you to not have sex with her. This is why the friends you choose is so important to your success in life. If your friends start pressuring you like this, be a man and tell them to go fly a kite. Seriously. Let them know from the get-go that you won’t tolerate them pressuring you like that, and if they don’t like, well then they can go get lost.

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I.     Female Leaders Teach the Girls

1.     God created sex—He is not ashamed or embarrassed by it.

2.     You do not need a guy to like you/give you attention—really, you don’t. God is waiting to give you all the attention you need—do you believe this? God wants to complete you—Jerry Maguire (or any other guy, for that matter) can’t complete you.

3.     A guy will not stay with you/like you more if you have sex with him/do sexual activities with him—he will actually think less of you and will eventually leave you.

4.     Sex is powerful—you bond yourself to another person through sexual activity—that’s why sex complicates a relationship and makes it hurt SO MUCH MORE when two sexually active people break up.

a.     Illustration: Tape. Designed to stick two things together. But if you pick up the tape and try and stick it to something else, it loses some of its stickiness. Eventually, if you do it enough, it cannot stick to anything.

5.     There is no such thing as casual sex. Sex changes you each time—you give a piece of yourself to another person. Sex either brings you closer to your spouse or it can deaden your heart/soul to the deep intimacy/closeness once you do get married someday.

6. Sex is everything that leads up to sex—no loopholes, ladies! A lot of girls think they can do everything with a guy except sexual intercourse and still stay pure—not the case, ya’ll.

a. Illustration: When you go to a fancier restaurant, you order an entrée (like steak or filet mignon) and you also get an appetizer (soup) and salad. Now you might think that the dinner portion is the steak, but dinner starts the moment you start eating the soup. It’s all part of dinner; the same is true with sex.

7.     Guys need you to say “no” to them—when you give in to a guy you make it harder for him to ever reach maturity, to ever become a real man someday. And please also remember that teenage girls mature faster than guys mentally and physically—that’s why many girls like guys who are a little older than them. But please remember to use that maturity wisely to make the right choice regarding purity, the choice that honors God and respects yourself.

8.     Almost certainly you will have a guy/boyfriend try to convince you to get involved in sexual activities with him. If you date, it’s almost guaranteed that this will happen. Will you wait until the moment to decide whether or not you going to stay pure until marriage, or will you make the decision before hand when you’re thinking clearly?

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Practical Application Tips for Girls for Remaining Sexually Pure

A.     Grow closer to Jesus. The more you know Jesus (know Him, not just about Him), the more you love Him, and the more you love Him, the more you want to honor Him with your daily lives. So attend church regularly, read your Bible regularly (!), talk and listen to Jesus regularly, etc.

B.     Surround yourself with friends who have also made the decision to remain sexually pure, and invite in some friends who have not made this decision. Don’t disown and judge your sexually active friends, but if you find yourself consistently hanging out with a group of girls who are all sexually active except for you, it is only a matter of time until you cave in. Don’t be a lone ranger!

C.     Be careful about reading magazines that have lots of articles on sex and guys—many of these magazines are teaching you a lifestyle that is contrary to the Bible. You have to ask yourself—who has your best interests at heart? The God who created you and died on a Cross for you, or the editors of Cosmo and Seventeen? Remember, our actions are strongly influenced by what we put into our minds. Guard your mind and your body will usually be safe. Fill your minds with healthy and encouraging movies, music, etc. They don’t have to be Christian, per se, but they should move you closer to God, not further away from Him.

D.     Please dress modestly—be proper, not a prude. By now you probably know that dressing a certain way will get you more attention from guys—but why do you want more attention from them in a way that dishonors yourself? How we get attention is just as important as the attention we get.

E.     Hold your friends accountable for being sexually pure. Ask them—and allow them to ask you—on a regular basis how they’re doing with staying pure. Remember, you’re in this together!

F.     Don’t be alone in private with a person of the opposite sex. This is the sexual equivalent of playing “Russian Roulette”—please don’t tempt yourself or test God like this!

G.     If you’re going to date, date someone who is also a Christian and who has also made the decision to stay pure. How can you grow closer to a person of the opposite gender if you can’t share your love for Jesus with him? Also, it is helpful to be on the same page, to have the same goal as your boyfriend. If he doesn’t care about staying pure and you date him, don’t you think he will eventually put pressure on you to have sex?

-Furthermore, consider for yourself the idea of waiting until mid-college at least before dating, using the time before to get to know lots of people and observe their character and emotional makeup.  When it comes time to consider a serious relationship, find someone who has an active relationship with Christ, is consistently involved at a local church in attendance (worship) and serving, is emotionally stable and of good character. Remember, you date to find a marriage partner, not just for fun or to help you not feel lonely or because all your other friends are dating. If you are adamant about dating in 8th grade or high school, maybe write down why it’s so important to you and what will happen if you choose not to date. Then pray and ask God to give you guidance. Dating for the wrong reasons can lead to unhealthy activities; dating for the right reasons can lead to a healthy and vibrant and fantastic marriage for life.

H.     Ladies. Just because you have been dating a guy for a while, that doesn’t mean that he has “earned” sex. Seriously. Don’t even THINK about allowing a guy to pressure you to have sex before marriage. I know, I get it. It will make you feel real small to tell your boyfriend no, it will probably cause you to lose him. But you don’t need him to be a full, real, whole person! Jesus is all you need for that. And if he won’t respect your decision, then maybe he doesn’t love as much as he says he does…

I.     And please know that if you do decide to date a guy in a committed, long term relationship, your friends will almost certainly start asking you about sex/pressuring you to have sex with him the longer you date. It will happen, and it will make it tough for you to not have sex with him. This is why the friends you choose is so important to your success in life. If your friends start pressuring you like this, be a real woman and tell them to go fly a kite. Seriously. Let them know from the get-go that you won’t tolerate them pressuring you like that, and if they don’t like, well then they can go get lost.

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Closing Comments

I want to address what some of you might be thinking. Some of you might be saying in your minds right now, “Great. A lesson on purity. Well, I already screwed that up. I’ve done things, thought things, been involved with people already, so I’m not pure. I might as well give up on purity moving forward.”

And I just want to encourage you that one of the greatest characteristics about Jesus—that isn’t found in other religions or faith systems—is the element of grace. Jesus is the God of second chances…10th chances…1,000th chances…1 millionth chances! Each day is a new day, a clean slate, an opportunity to start following Him again no matter how far we’ve strayed, no matter how long we have ignored Him. There is ALWAYS forgiveness with Jesus. So no matter what you have done in the past, God can restore you! No matter what has been damaged in the past, God can heal! No matter what has been destroyed, God can rebuild! No matter what has been lost or given away, God can seek out and find!

And so I want to play a song for you—“Jumper” by the band Third Eye Blind. A song that will encourage you to “step back from the ledge” of sexual promiscuity, of making unwise/sinful choices, etc. That there is always a new day to start fresh with God—He loves us THAT MUCH! 

Finally, I want to close with a powerful illustration from Ulysses/the Iliad:

Christians are known by what we do, not what we don’t do.

Don’t just say “no” to sex before marriage; also say “yes” to Jesus and His plan for your life!

[From the book “Teaching True Love to a Sex at 13 Generation”, p.p. 4-5 (The Siren Allurement) & p.p. 9-10 (A Sweeter Song)–please click HERE for the book]

[Story about teenager girl getting involved in God’s bigger/greater story, taken from Donald Miller’s talk at the SHIFT Student Ministries Conference, Willow Creek Community Church, March 2007]

My friends, I hope you have learned tonight that sex is powerful—through sex,

-Two lives are bonded together at the deepest levels
-New life can be created

God is not ashamed of sex—sex was His idea!

When we have sex outside of marriage, we are trying to satisfy our healthy hunger for God in an unhealthy way—again, sex isn’t really about sex, it’s always our attempt to try and meet our need for love, acceptance, closeness, or to soothe our loneliness, pain, etc. God will never give you a need (spiritual or physical hunger or thirst) that you can only meet in a sinful way. In other words, if you really need something, God will provide a way for you to meet that need in a holy way.

And you are no less of a person if you make the choice not to have sex outside of marriage—you’re not missing out on some experience that you need to be a whole, complete, or amazing person. Sinning never improves your life—ever! God can bring good out of sin for sure, He can help us learn from it, but it’s always a lesson that we could’ve learned without actually sinning. Some of my friends look back on some of their poor choices from the past and say, “I wouldn’t change a thing about my life—all my good and bad choices have made me the person I am today.”

NONSENSE! God could’ve taught them that lesson without as much pain and suffering!

DANGER DANGER

I could stand up here tonight and tell you all the bad things that can happen to you if you have sex outside of marriage—I could tell you that you could:

-Get an STD that ends your life or seriously alters it
-Get pregnant
-Get pregnant and then choose to have an abortion

Those consequences are possible, and they do happen to many teens and 20-somethings.

But there are also many teens and 20-somethings who have sex outside of marriage who never have those things above happen to them. But we leaders are not trying to scare you tonight into following God’s way—we’re trying to reason, share, and encourage you to follow God’s way because it is in your best interests, because there are some consequences that happen to every person who has sex outside of marriage, guaranteed:

-You push God away and build up a wall separating you from Him
-You cause deep pain & damage to yourself and another person (being sexually active outside of marriage is like a first year med student doing surgery on a live person—both of them end up scarred from it—the student isn’t a doctor yet! [That’s why they practice on cadavers!]
-You make your & their future marriages even more difficult to survive

But if you do want to stay sexually pure, it’s not going to happen by accident—it’s going to take you making a decision ahead of time, and you won’t be able to do it alone. That’s right, if you want to stay sexually pure, you are not strong enough…by yourself. You will need the help of:

-God
-Family
-Other adults
-Friends (Peers)
-And some serious personal hard work (diligence, discipline, and perseverance)

Ladies

I see in this room young women who are beautiful, smart, witty, talented, leaders, creative, capable; Young women who are needed in this world to love, nurture, teach, support, and model, not their bodies but rather their character to younger girls and daughters (BTW: I have four young daughters who think Middle School girls are the coolest, and who think that 8th grade girls are even cooler—what example will you set for Sabrina, Jasmine, Autumn, and Madison about what a real woman looks like and acts?)

Gentlemen

I see in this room young men who are handsome, strong, intelligent, leaders, talented, & capable;

Young men who are needed by this world to protect, support, provide, and stay put because there are too many men in the world who attack, abandon, take, and leave. I have a young son who you might be leading in a small group someday, who you might be pastoring someday (if you think I’m crazy, realize that you guys are 14 years older than my son. Realize that I am 14 years older than you. I never would have guessed 14 years ago that I would be here, but here God has put me). What example will you set for Elijah about what a real man does, acts, and says?

I see in this room a group of teenagers:

-Loved intensely by God
-Blessed enormously by God
-Capable of great accomplishments for God

God is real—don’t you just realize that when you look around the world and the universe?

God knows best, my friends—doesn’t the creator of something know how to best use it?

God wants what is best for you, my friends—He died on the cross for you—doesn’t that prove it?

Will you trust Him?

That’s really what this is all about.

It’s your choice—only you can make it.

But once you do, I promise you will not be alone…We’re all in this together. 🙂

Love ya…