208 Original Punny Jokes By SoulSpartan…
What can I say? I love words and trying to make others laugh (even if they are laughing AT me!).
I’m a pretty punny guy!...I should write the jokes on popsicle sticks!
1. What did Michaelangelo’s son say after a day of playing in the mud?
“Hey Dad! Can you draw me a bath?” 8-D
2. What’s another name for a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher!
3. What is the favorite car of members of the U.S. Air Force?
“Honda Pilot!”
4. What do you call the son or daughter of a short period of rest?
A napkin!
6. What is it called when Winnie the Pooh runs?
Diarrhea.
7. What is it called when a chicken baseball player hits a pitch into the stands?
A fowl ball.
8. What did Aaron say when his brother Moses asked him how his sleep was?
“It was intense”! (in-tents)
9. What was James’ favorite class in school?
Gym!
10. What did Henry David’s English teacher say when he handed in his paper?
“Good job. Very thorough, Thoreau.”
11. What’s the first thing you need to make an apple pie from scratch?
An itch.
12. What did the vegetarian say when his friend stepped on his foot?
“Get off my toe, fool!” (tofu) 8-D
13. What’s the United States’ biggest mistake? (I can only imagine what’s running through your mind!)
The San Andreas FAULT!
14. Which people have the most storage space?
Musicians…because they have a lot of GIGS! ;-D
15. What did Henry Ford and his wife name their first two daughters?
Mercedes and Alexis!
16. What do angels wear when they play football?
Heaven-mets! (instead of hel-mets)
17. What are baseball batters called in heaven?
Gooders! (instead of bad-ders)
18. What is it called when two automobiles smooch?
Carcass!
19. What is it called when you read the dictionary on a mountaintop?
High-definition!
20. What did the seamstress say when she was given bad news?
So? (SEW good!)
21. What did the podiatrist say to his patient on Halloween?
Take off your socks so I can check out your candy corns!
22. What do quarterbacks say when they don’t want something?
“I’ll pass.”
23. What’s the first thing Mama dishwashers teach their kids?
To clean their plates!
24. Why did Mikhail Gorbechev get kicked out of his country after a hectic week?
Because he said, “Enough! I don’t want to be rushin’ anymore!”
25. What’s another name for an “evening horse?”
A nightmare!
26. What kind of hairstyle is never worn by believers in Islam and Judaism?
Pig tails!
27. What mode of transportation is never used by believers in Islam and Judaism?
Piggy-back rides!
28. Which plant is considered “king of the prairie”?
The dandelion!
29. Why did Colonel Sanders get in trouble a lot at school?
He used a lot of fowl language!
30. What did one wrist-clock say to the other wrist-clock?
Watch!
31. What type of kings and queens always have twins?
Mattresses!
32. What is it called when a man called Peter names his son after him?
Repeat!
33. What does a sick guy need most?
A mani-cure!
34. What’s the devil’s favorite game?
Badminton!
35. Who was movie critic Roger Ebert’s great great grandfather?
Tom Thumb!
36. Which country in the world eats the most food?
Hungary!
37. What did the straw say when his brother took his seat in the barn?*
Hey!
38. Why couldn’t anyone steal Samson’s hair?
Because he had so many locks!
39. Which musical instrument does God make?*
Organs!
40. What herb did the procrastinating chef run out of?
Thyme!
41. Where can you buy the cheapest gas?
Taco Bell.
42. What did the fart say to his nervous friend as the intestinal pressure started to build?
“Don’t worry…this is gonna be a breeze!”
43. What’s another name for a “celebration defecator”?
A party pooper!
44. Which country in the world does the most marathons?
Iran!
45. Which country in the world plays billiards the most?
Iraq!
46. Which country’s name also means getting ripped off (e.g. a bad deal) online?
Egypt!
47. Which country makes the best knots?
Thailand!
48. Which U.S. state has the cleanest clothes?
Washington!
49. Which continent goes to the bathroom the most?
Europeans!
50. What did Donald Trump say to his steak as he put it on the grill?
You’re FIRED!
51. What did the old locomotive say after getting in trouble?
Aaargh-I’ve gotta go blow off some steam.
52. Why did the American congratulate the British woman when she lost her wallet?
Because she said, “I’ve lost 200 pounds!”
53. What do they call a defensive military compound in Scotland?
A fart!
54. What’s another name for music playing in an automobile?
Cartoons!
55. Why are donuts the best golfers?
Because they always have a hole in one!
56. What’s the most delicious type of golf course?
Sausage links!
57. What are breakfast foods most scared of?
Cereal killers!
58. What is it called when Sir William Brand disciplines his recently adopted son?
Brand spanking new!
59. What did the microbe say to the cell after her latest shopping trip?
Nice genes! 8-D
60. Why are unpainted walls always warm?
Because they never wear any coats!
61. What did the cold horse say to the horse who lives next door?
Nay-brrrrrr!
62. Why was the out of work doctor so grumpy?
Because she didn’t have any patience (patients)!
63. What did the coach say to the improving runner?
You’re making great strides this year.
64. What’s another name for fake excrement?
Shampoo!
65. What sandwiches to mermaid kids eat?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
66. What cupcake topping is the favorite of musical vocalists?
Icing! (I-sing)
67. What is the most disgusting drink in England?
Nasty. (Nas-tea).
68. What do cars like to eat on their toast in the morning?
Traffic JAM!
69. What do peanuts wear on their feet?
Cashews!
70. Why do people from Florida never get lost?
‘Cuz they have so many navigators! (GATORS!) J
71. What kind of siblings do stairs have?
Step brothers and step sisters!
72. What is it called when a happy cat is dragged somewhere?
Purple. (purr-pull)
73. What disease do all birds get?
The flu.
74. What are all bakers addicted to?
Dough, because they knead it everyday!
75. What food topping is always behind in his work?
Ketchup!
76. How do you know when vegetables are angry?
When they’re steamed!
77. Why are bankers always by themselves?
Because they’re loaners!
78. Which animal loves Halloween the most?
Caribou!!!
79. What’s another name for internet bran?
Cyber-fiber!
80. What did Vincent Van Gogh’s Dad say every time his son fell down?
Awww, just brush it off!
81. What did the pencil teacher say every time her pencil students gave a correct answer?
You’re sharp–You’ve got a good point there!
82. What’s another name for “citrus assistance”?
Lemonade!
83. What is it called when a politician, campaigning by a cut-down tree, doesn’t know the answer to a question?
The politician was stumped while stumping by a stump!
84. What does the horizon say each morning?
You know, it just dawned on me…
85. What flower gives the best kisses?
Tulips!
86. What car name do you hear the most?
Toyota Echo (echo) (echo) (echo)…
87. Why does royalty love grammar so much?
Because they have so many subjects!
88. Which measuring device is king over the rest?
The ruler!
89. What is it called when a male monarch walks to the top of a mountain?
Hiking!
90. What are a bunch of connected spider webs called?
The internet!
91. What is it called when a spider makes its net in a particular location?
A website!
92. What is the favorite car of people in prison?
Ford Escape!
93. Which famous television actor had the lowest body temperature ever?
Raymond Burr! (Perry Mason)
94. What was Marco Polo’s favorite car?
Ford Explorer!
95. What’s another way to say “choose your primary facial breathing apparatus”?
Pick your nose!
96. What kind of cell phone did the Lord Jesus’ mom use?
Virgin Mobile!
97. Why are vegans always alone?
They don’t like to meet; they prefer to veg!
98. What’s another name for a gifted eagle named Theodore?
Talented! (Talon-Ted!)
99. Who did Burger King marry?
Dairy Queen!
100. What store did Robin Hood shop at most?
Target!
101. What did the farmer say when he made a mistake harvesting his corn?
Aw SHUCKS!
102. What do you need to make a shirt out of oxygen?
An HEIRLOOM! 8-P
103. Why do repeatedly escaping prisoners always go to a dermatologist?
Because they keep breaking out!
104. What does Mt. Everest’s peak say every night before bed?
“Well, that was the high point of my day!”
105. What season does Humpty Dumpty hate the most?
Fall!
106. What’s another name for an Irish rabbit?
O’Hare!!!
107. What local town do does, bucks and fawns avoid?
Kildeer!
108. On what day of the week do you get everything pairs?
Tuesday!
109. What did the English feudal land laborer say to his friend?
Serf’s up, dude!
110. What are the official restaurants of the Apple Company?
IHOP, Mac-aroni Grill, and Applebees. 🙂 (Thanks to Sabrina Ahmed for answers 2 and 3!)
111. What type of writing sheets have poison ivy?
Scratch paper!
112. What did the class room of corn stalks say when their teacher was ready to speak?
We’re all EARS!
113. What is the favorite snack of computer programmers?
Microchips!
114. What is the official cereal of all soccer (futball) players?
Kix!
115. Whenever my family has eaten at CrackerBarrel, Ive never gotten my kids whisper stick candies: Im always unable to hear them ask for them. 🙂
116. What did the fast runner say to the proud slow runner? I relish running against u hotdog—you’ll be in such a pickle you wont have the mustard to catch up.
117. Why are yardsticks so bossy? Cuz they’re the biggest rulers around.
118. I wonder if pilots and flight attendants give each other a little smile/smirk whenever the time is 7:47 or 7:57.
119. Chef Boyardee is highly intelligent. He’s always using his noodle.
120. Oddly amused that Iron Man toys for kids are made of plastic.
121. Now wheres my camera? Id remember…if i had a photographic memory.
122. I’m not a lawn-mower. I’m a horticultural-stylist.
123. Will I wear a lady’s outfit as I discuss my speech about changing my home’s location? I won’t address my address on a change of address in a dress.
124. Am I able to jar fruits and vegetables while dancing in France? I can can while doing the can-can in Cannes.
125. “Not every quote that ends with ‘Chinese Proverb’ really is a Chinese Proverb” (Chinese Proverb).
126. Ag humor: HAY! No horsin around! We’re in a pickle-lets squash the rumor about Old Macdonald spillin the beans about the corny joke caper.
127. Gotta love it: A product that is totally reliant on people choosing to put it ON themselves is called “OFF.”
128. Passed thru Hasty, Minnesota in a rushed/impulsive manner.
129. What did the buffalo dad say to his boy when he went to work? Bi-son.
130. Why was the king victorious at poker after going to the bathroom? He always had a royal flush!
131. I started to read “Rip Van Winkle” but i fell asleep.
132. Why did the sad closet throw away his phone? Cuz no one would ever talk to him–they hung up on him every day.
133. Fellow trumpeters: play on! It’s the only time in life people will applaud you for tooting for hours on end!
134. What cheese isn’t married? Kraft Singles!
135. Why do we bake cook-ies but cook bac-on?
136. Packer fan H.Green was inexperienced in organically growing his peapods-Hugh Green was green about growing his green green beans in GreenBay.
137. What’s the official title of the son of the King and Queen of Feet? Footprints.
138. What’s the favorite beverage of redheads? Ginger ale!
139. Don’t judge a [Face]book by its cover [photo]…
140. Twin girls wore frizzy ballet dresses. I liked the 1st but the other’s as well. It was turned into a movie w/a sequel: “I Like Her Tu-Tu Too 2.”
141. What did the lead foreman say to the chief bulldozer as they were about to knock down the baseball park? “It’s time to level the playing field.”
142. Watched 25%of an early 80s hit tv show. Guess u could say I just had my 15 minutes of Fame
143. A butcher’s son climbed 2the top of a tall tree to get the fresh beef there. The butcher solemnly said, “Careful, boy, the steaks are high.”
144. 5th grade trip 2art institute. Students getting impatient 4busses. “what are we waiting for?” they wail. “Godot” i reply 2confused silence.
145. Is it appropriate to wear Under Armour as your outer layer of clothing?
146. Where did medieval postal knights keep their letters enroute to delivery? In their mail.
147. A friend at church made a huge mess spilling a mug of coffee. I walked up and said, “Whoa! Looks like the Starbuck Valdez.”
148. What’s another name for a crazy Hawaiian? A macadamia nut! (my apologies to any Hawaiians offended by this innocently-intended joke)
149. I wonder what the French edition of a Hershey Kiss would be like…
150. Just wondering: who sells the office when a real estate company goes out of business?
151. Why is IKEA the favorite store of teenagers? Because it stands for I Know Everything Already.
152. I had such high hopes before reading Great Expectations…
153. What do stop signs say on opposite day? NOTHING! They…can’t…talk…
154. The word “subtle” appropriately has a silent letter in it…
155. I want to have a fun evening with the kiddos tonight but…I can’t remember where I put the Memory game…
156. What’s the favorite fruit of couples who aren’t able to impulsively get married? Cantaloupe!
157. Friends tell me theyre gonna get more natural fertilizer/compost 4their gardens-i think,”When will it be enough? HOW MULCH IS TOO MULCH?”
158. My favorite dinosaur isn’t extinct. #thesaurus
159. If a former NFL kicker were ever elected Pope, he would be called the Roman Puntiff.
160. Working hard at the kitchen sink when i run out of dish soap. My daughter asks me why im so sad. ” Don’t have any Joy left,” I reply.
161. Hanging out at a library. My friend quietly asks about my favorite clothing stain remover. I whisper, “Shout.”
162. My friends think im weird because i want to do a group study of the book “souvenirs of solitude” by brennan manning.
163. What is the most positive/optimistic item in a house? A gabage can!
164. More than mildly frustrated that no company has come out with a multi-player Solitaire app…
165. Why is Betty Crocker so amazing? Because she’s always BACON!
166. “Honey, turn left to get to the hearing aid store.” “What?”
167. Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…wished I hadn’t forgotten my GPS.
168. If United Airlines were sold in pieces, bought, and then put back together again, would its new name be “Re-United?”
169. This Lent, I’m giving up giving things up for Lent…
170. Playing nintendo with my children. Wii are having so much fun. Really. Wii are.
171. My jokes are so corny they’re 90% ethanol…
172. Phrases the astronauts DID NOT say while on the moon: “Where on earth are you going?” “How in the world did this happen?”
173. I will never watch the movie ‘brave’; too scared…
174. Does the word opposite have an opposite? The world may never know…
175. Another way to say, “I pick to mouth-dissolve interstellar explosions on trains”; I choose to chew on Starburst fruitchews on choo-choos. English!
176. Why are the fastest land animals on earth always poor? Because cheetahs never prosper! YES!
177. Whats another way to say “i left my after-dinner treat in an abandoned beach without water?” i deserted my dessert in a deserted desert.
178. Exaggerating is the best thing EVER! (I’m being hyperbolic about hyperbole!)
179. What do noses wear when they are running? Tih-shoes!
180. A word you never want to hear from your hair stylist or your surgeon or your tax accountant: oops!
181. Where does santa get toys for naughty boys and girls? Kohl’s…
182. What punchline to a joke about a clothing store will u never know for sure? Guess!
183. Stressed backwards is desserts. How appropriate…
184. The problem w/not having a good imagination isnt just not having one; its also not possible to imagine what it would be like to have one!
185. What did the new bathtub&collared shirt say 2the man as he considered purchasing them? “If u like it then youre gonna put a ring around it!”
186. If the animated movie SnowWhite were 1st released today instead of 1937, the AppleGrowers ofAmerica would sue Disney 4defamation.
187. F.A.R.T.: Flatulence Actually Reduces Tension.
188. “That guy puts his foot in his mouth so much he has ‘athlete’s throat.'”
189. When we tweet on Twitter, are we kind of “giving people the bird?”
190. Why are surgeons the best comedians? Cuz they always have people in stitches!
191. English is a funny language: the leg of the chair is on the chest by the foot of the bed near the hand of the clock that hangs over the head of the table with the heel of bread under the finger sandwiches next to the eye of the needle by the nose of the truck around the picture of the mouth of the river and the neck of the woods.
192. A Mr. & Mrs. Moore named their son Lester Steven Moore. Also known as Les S. Moore.
193. Lester then bought a tract of land preserved for game; it’s locally known as Les’ moor.
194. Aunt Jemima married Uncle Ben and had a daughter: Mrs. Butterworth!
195. Burger King married Dairy Queen and they lived in a White Castle. They had a daughter named Wendy who played with a Jack N The Box and later married an old farmer named McDonald and they raised Kentucky Fried Chickens that laid Egg Harbor Cafes each morning. They travelled on a Subway called the Panda Express and played Checkers while sleeping in a Pizza Hut but they didn’t stay long–they were In N Out because Long John Silver attacked a Quiznos submarine.
196. God isn’t against money inherently. THe Bible is full of prophets. 🙂
197. Why does God decide what each person’s facial breathing apparatus will look like? He doesn’t want us picking our noses. 🙂
198. When are you unable to do something that you are able to do? When you can’t can. 🙂
199. Whats it called when a free morning meal at a hotel gives you diarrhea? Incontinental breakfast. 🙂
200. Whats it called when a cow falls in a watery pit near a corn field? Beef slew. 🙂 (spelled “slough”)
201. What is it called when God disciplines you in a supernatural way? Miracle Whip. 🙂
202. Ethan: a guy’s name…AND an internet weight-loss strategy. 🙂
203. I’d love to tell you about the my new potted plants, but mums the word…:)
204. Who is the most generous celebrity ever? Cher. 🙂
205. What is it called when grass is dry on a summer morning? Don’t. 🙂
206. When are you unable to do something that you are able to do? When you can’t can. #preserves
207. How do Norwegians say “no”? Norway Jose! 🙂
208. What’s it called when two bakers fall in love? A match made in leaven…:)